Baten Kaitos: Story of the Holy Thing
by Cotoprius
Summary: A Baten Kaitos parody to MP and the Holy Grail. King Ladekahn is the King searching for knights to join and have the honor of standing in the hall. Rated T for some language, and one mention of oral something. Yes, and the mentioning of a body part.
1. About teh coconuts?

The characters are going to be slightly OOC. It's a parody of Monty Python and the Holy Grail after all. XD The first time I watched the movie, I knew had to make this. Nuff said. Enjoy!

* * *

Several moments go by before anything shows up on the misty road. A few more seconds go by and we finally hear hoof beats.

CLIPPITY CLOP

CLIPPITY CLOP

Now, out of the swirling mist we see King Ladekahn followed by his trusty head knight who, are NOT riding on horses. The head knight is actually ramming two halves of a coconut together. Suddenly, King Ladekahn stops.

"WHOA there!"

The head knight makes a distant sound of a horse stopping, as the king peers through the heavy mist. He had nearly walked into a castle barely seen probably because of the damn mist slinking around the place…Anyway. A man atop the tower is on duty when he sees this, tall, towering figure coming up the road nearby, when they stop. He quickly peers down.

"HALT!" he cries. "WHO goes there?"

"It is I," The blonde king yelled in response, "Ladekahn from the castle of Elnath. King of Diadem, defeater of the…I am known as the White Flame of Diadem!

There is a slight pause.

"Who's the shorter one?"

"HEY!" the head knight yelled in protest. "I'll have you know, I'm NOT short. I'm normal. It just happens that anyone who stands next to his majesty will seem like a complete MIDGET."

The king gave small cough.

"Is it my fault…? Anyway, he is my servant Patsy. We have ridden from Diadem to the five whales on Prancers in search for knights who will join me to stand in the water-like hall. It seems more and more people are aqua phobic, so you can see my plight there…Yes. I would like to speak with your lord. Or master of the house if he is here?"

The guard shook his head disbelievingly.

"Ridden on Prancers?"

"Yes! ...err…no." Ladekahn glanced back at his head knight who was in plain view foolishly carrying two halves of a coconut.

The guard looked impressed. "You were indeed honest with me, I'll give you that. But…if we were to go on like this, we'd have to skip the entire scene that happens here so I'm afraid we have to…"

:SCENE RETAKE:

* * *

The guard shook his head. Hard.

"Ridden on Prancers?"

"Yes!" …no." Ladekahn sighed and turned his head to the side.

"You were supposed to say, Yes!"

"Forgive me, I can't stand lying…"

:SCENE RETAKE #2:

* * *

The guard shook his head so unbelievably hard we were afraid it would fly clean off his head.

"Ridden on Prancers?"

"N-o." The king enunciated. "No. Can't YOU see? Can't ANYONE see? ALL of you have eyes, have you not? Ladekahn took a quiet breath.

"IT'S A BLUNDERING COCONUT! I HAVE NOT RIDDEN THE LAND! AND NEITHER HAS MY SERVANT PATSY! WHO'S NAME ISN'T EVEN PATSY FOR THAT MATTER…"

The knight-whos-not-Patsy looked worried.

"Your Majesty…"

"HE'S BANGING TO HALVES OF A WHOLE TOGETHER! Does it LOOK like I've been RIDING?"

"Dear me…"

"AND…IT'S not MY FAULT I'M SO TALL…FATHER GAVE ME THE GENES…" the king breathed and sniffed.

"Sire…"

Ladekahn finally turned to his servant. "What is it Patsy?"

The head knight pointed at the video camera, which was rolling quickly. "We are still recording…"he said sheepishly.

"The guard who was watching all the while finally piped up.

"Don't worry about it." He said quickly. "We'll cover it. We'll need a little adjustments though. For your sake." He added.

:SCENE RETAKE #3:

Memo: King Ladekahn has declared himself unable to do this scene, so it will be passed onto the next person willing. He will be back, we assure you.

* * *

The guard shook his head disbelievingly.

"Ridden on Prancers?"

Folon nodded mechanically.

"Yes!"

The guard took this time to point out the obvious.

"You're using coconuts!"

Folon cocked his head to the side.

"Huh?"

The watchmen folded his arms triumphantly.

"You've got two empty halves of a coconut and you're banging  
them together!"

Folon snorted. "No shit, Sherlock."

Aymee clicked.

The watchmen's eyes bulged out of his head.

"WHY YOU MONGREL-"

:SCENE RETAKE #4:

Memo: We apologize for the inconvenience. We're back.

* * *

The guard's hand twitched involuntarily.

"You've got two empty halves of a coconut and you're banging them together!"

Folon was given a death glare from his partner Aymee. He patted his heavily bandaged head.

"Yep!" he chirped.

"Your line was…we have ridden since the snow of Wazn covered the land, dope."

:SCENE RETAKE #5:

We apologize yet again for the bad actor, Folon. Still, he seems to want to continue. He promises he won't mess up.

* * *

"So? We have ridden since the snows of Wazn covered the land, through the kingdom of Anuenue, though—"

Folon is cut off rudely.

"Where didja get the coconuts?" The watchman answered, bored.

Aymee answered quickly. "Found them."

"Found them? _In Mira? _There are no coconuts in Mira." He says matter-of-factly.

"And…what do you mean by that?"

"Simply that there are NO coconuts in Mira. It's a temperate zone."

"The bunnycat may run south with the sun or the house martin or the

fluffpup may seek warmer climates in winter, yet these are not strangers to

our land?"

"Good one Aymee!"

The poor watchmen looked confused. "I absolutely…have no clue as to what you have just said…"

:SCENE RETAKE #6:

Memo: We have a new watchman. And regrettably, we had to change our King and knight…but good news! King Ladekahn is back.

* * *

The guard fired back. "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

Ladekahn shrugged. "Not at all. They could be carried."

The guard went wide-eyed. "What? A bunnycat carrying a coconut?"

"It could grip it by the husk."

"It doesn't matter where he grips it! We already know that a five-ounce bunnycat CANNOT carry a one-pound coconut."

The king looked thoughtful. "I agree. Greythornes are better anyhow."

The guard thought for a second. "…Yeah. Not about the greythornes though. Pollywhales or cuter."

Ladekahn looked appalled. "You are TERRIBLY wrong about that. NOTHING matches the CUTENESS of a greythorne!"

"NUH-UH! Why don't you take a look at the pollywhale in our sewer. He is MUCH, MUCH cuter! HE even has a name!"

"What, Dinky?"

"No, Pauly! He wanders around the sewer of the watercourse and flaps his dorsal fins so..."

"In my opinion, a dirty, overgrown pollywhale wandering the Mira sewer is NOWHERE near as cute as-

MEMO: We interrupt this program because the characters cannot seem to go on. Forgive us, I assure you we will be back again.

* * *

King Ladekahn: I have nothing to say.

Me: I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to make you seem THAT out of character. It's just…funnier this way.

King Ladekahn: Funny? Robbing the dignity of a person is what you call funny?

Me: I better stop this. I can't win a debate against the King!


	2. Bunnycats and yucky Azha

Here we are. It turns out that several people may have to play multiple characters. Yes, this is going to be interesting. Now let's continue where the King and guard left off.

* * *

"It doesn't matter where he grips it! We already know that a five-ounce bunnycat CANNOT carry a one-pound coconut." 

Ladekahn had FINALLY realized something during the talk.

"Oh…well. Does it matter? I'm asking you to go and tell your lord…or master…that Ladekahn from Castle Elnath would like a word."

There was a slight pause as the King waited expectantly. Silence. Then the supposedly deaf watchman said, like a continuous lecturing math teacher…

"LISTEN. For a bunnycat to fly, especially in battle…whereas they would need a good amount of energy in hopes of getting away…it is required to build up speed in 43 seconds correct?"

The irritated king took a minute to consider. "…Actually, the average bunnycat needs 45.53 seconds to actually build up enough speed…that and run off a platform on the Emperor's mansion, to ever have the hope of flying."

By this point the Mira guard was literally taken aback. After all, the stuff about the bunnycat flying was entirely made up. Bunnycats DON'T fly.

Ladekahn snapped back into action. "But the point is, please! I'm not interested."

Suddenly a SECOND soldier who had been watching the lesson took interest and popped up, looming over the balcony as well.

"It could be carried by an Azhanian bunnycat!"

The first guard nodded. "Yup! An Azhanian bunnycat perhaps, but definitely NOT a Mintakan bunnycat. That's my point."

"Yes, I do agree!"

The king of Diadem covered his eyes warily. "Would you go and ask your master if he has the time to join my court at Sheliak!"

The two bum-heads went on, totally absorbed in the lesson. "Tch. Course though, Azhanian bunnycats don't move around much."

The second guard looked crestfallen. "Aww…that's right…"

"So, it'd be awfully hard to bring back a coconut."

King Ladekahn had finally had enough and so had the Head knight. They turned around and went back clopping into the mist, with "Patsy" banging the coconut halves together.

CLOP

CLOP

The guards continued to talk as they left…weirdoes.

"Hey! What if two bunnycats carried it together?"

"Aww…that'd be so cute! Would they hook up an make a family afterward?"

"Dunno…I've never been a bunnycat before. Hmm…what would you prefer being, an Azha bunnycat or a Mintaka bunnycat?"

* * *

-Scene 2- DEATH AND DEVESTATION (Horrible, horrible scene) 

Azha. You'd think it was a pretty place because of the guards' description of bunnycats. No. It's ANYTHING but pretty. You wash your laundry in dirt-soiled water. Disgusting. Then, you hang it out to dry. And when you think the stink can't get any worse, what HAPPENS? DAMN SANDSTORM GETS ALL RILED UP AND MAKES MY EVENIN' SHIRT ALL CRAPPY! WHAT THE HELL? IT'S THE BUNNYCATS I TELL YOU! THE BUNNYCA-

Erm…thank you, woman of Azha. Lovely description. Anyway, this village, Azha, has a plague going on this time of month. Basically, people are dying left and right. Bodies everywhere. People are wailing and groaning, and they all blame the disease on witches and bunnycats. Why? Don't ask me. Back to the scene.

Wailings and groanings fill the area. There's filth all over. Suddenly, a disorted face upside down pops outta nowhere. No, it's not Halloween. A leg falls on top of the unfortunate being, and we finally realize all these decaying bodies are on a wheelbarrow. It's being pulled by dirty and ragged people-who-are-not-important enough-for-us-to-know-their-names. Behind them, walks a seemingly well-nourished person wearing a black cloak. She's carrying a pot, and a pan in either hand. She is none other then…LADY DEATH! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And as the guys pull the wheelbarrow along, she bangs the pans, yelling in a monotonous voice.

CLANG

"Bring out your dead!"

CLANG

"C'mon, bring out your dead!"

As the cart wheels about we see a pair of starved boys digging in the mud. I wonder who's pair of legs those belong to…In one of the doorways a shop owner is beating a bunnycat against the wall…and all the while it's going "REWR! REWR!" …There's a dead donkey…or prancer…there's a man tied to a cart being hammered to death by four blondes holding pow-pow hammers…

CLANG

"Bring out your dead!"

CLANG

"Bring out your dead!"

Cough cough…It seems one of the "dead" people couldn't hold their breath for a few bloody seconds. Aw well. Lady death shoves them back into the cart.

…Cough cough.

:SHOVE: "Ahem…BRING OUT THEM DEAD!"

CLANG

"BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!"

CLANG

"BRING OUT YOUR…that'll be 100 g…DEAD!"

"Cough…Bring out your dead!"

CLANG

"Bring out your dead!"

CLANG

"Bring out…

"REWR!"

…your dead!"

Finally, a rather important-looking guy with an imperial outfit comes running out. He's wearing a great brown slash yellow-looking hairdo that seems to drive the ladies wild. And he's carrying someone…a man…a LARGE man with great difficulty.

He faces Lady death. "…Puff…puff…Here's one!"

Savyna looked at him with almost-pity. "100 g."

Geldoblame struggled to get up. "I…" He wheezes. "..Am not dead..."

He threw back his head and hacked.

Savyna looked slightly thrown off. "What?"

Fadro nearly whimpered under the emperor's weight and the spittle running down his face.

"N-nothing! Take your 100g." He holds it out shakily to Savyna who doesn't exactly grab it.

"Fadro! I'm _not _dead."

"In fact, take 200 g."

"_Fadro!_"

Savyna stated the obvious and wondered if Fadro was mentally challenged. "Are you mentally challenged? The man says he's not dead."

Never mind. She thought it _and_ said it out loud.

"But he _is_!"

"Put me down!"

"Is he?"

Poor Fadro was beginning to sway. "Not exactly. But he's going to kick the can any minute now. He's very, very sick."

"I'm getting better! _Down_!" The emperor was now attempting to slap him and was failing miserably.

"No you're not! You'll be dead very soon! Hopefully…" He stared pleadingly at person he hoped to relieve him.

"Please…"

Savyna saw he was on the brink of fatigue and tried to hurry. "Can'ttakehimlikethatitsagainsttheregulations."

"I don't want to go on the cart!" cried Geldoblame now wailing like a baby.

Fadro's eyes were rolling in the back of his head. "Didja care about rules when you guys were carrying out _Operation sweep_?"

He had struck an instant cord. Savyna glared. When Lady Death glared, it was time for some killing.

All she could hear was the emperor's "I feel fine!" as she moved in slowly.

He spat. "Fadro, if you don't put me down right now, I'll _sing_! One…two…three!"

Lady Death slowly brought he arm up, holding one pan.

"_I feel happy_!" Geldoblame sang off-key.

Everyone suddenly stopped moaning to watch as she brought it down.

"_I feel happy_-!"

WHOP

They cheered! Then…

"_I feel happy_!" sang the Emperor now dazed.

They whimpered! Then…

BONK

And how they did cheer! The hitting was actually out of shot, but Geldoblame finally stopped singing.

Fadro dropped the bundle on the spot. He muttered something inaudible like "_Free at Last…_!"

Then he dropped to his hands and knees and managed to pass out then and there. So "Lady Death" was forced to dump him on top of Geldoblame, who was presumed dead.

CLIPPITY CLOP

Suddenly Ladekahn and "Patsy" come riding by, Ladekahn appearing not to notice and Patsy staring wide-eyed, still holding the two coconut halves.

Fadro woke up in the wheelbarrow at the moment to ask:

"Who's dat?"

Savyna stared where the two were galloping and shook her head.

"Don't know. Probably a King."

"Why that conclusion?"

Savyna looked away. "Because…he isn't covered…in shit."

Fadro yawned. "Don't cha think that term is becoming a bit overused?"

* * *

What an odd chapter. The cart-master actually does say the word "s-h-i-t." So I didn't just add it. My apologies… 

Savyna: You made me say a word I would never say in all of Namco.

Me: …to you.

Fadro: I'm not a weakling you know. You're making everyone think I can't carry a few loads.

Me: Don't worry about it! I don't know of anyone who can carry Geldoblame so you just accomplished a great feat!

Fadro: T.T

The next chapter will be fairly interesting, I'm still finding who's suitable for it. Can't wait. And to those of you who have been reading and enjoying it, thank you!


	3. The cast UNFINISHED

Seeing as I have not updated for awhile, (sincerest apologies!) I might as well show who is going to be who. Before I forget at least.

Some charac. Will come up more than once, just to say. Not telling who…Not saying Folon, or Azdar or Fadro…or any of those other guys from the gold imperial place…NOT telling.

Our King Arthur as you already know, is King Ladekahn.

Patsy, shall be known as 'Patsy," Ladekahn's head knight for what remainder of time he shall be in the story.

Sir Lancelot, (I think his name) is played by Sir Kalas.

Kalas: Yup, I'm a natural.

Sir Galahad is played by none other than Lyude. :Pauses to let fangirls cheer:

A cowardice, Sir Robin, naturally, is quite unknown for the while. Preferably Skeed for no reason whatever.

Skeed: WHAT? Why ME? Lyude, naturally, would fit the part much better!

Lyude: With all do respect brother, it's the author's choice after all.

Skeed: (-.-) You have not even SEEN Monty Python have you?

Let us not forget Sir Bedevere, the king's first follower. (pauses) Fine, Wakka! Take it. (is hit by a flying paddle) I-I mean Gibari!

Now moving along, the "witch" shall be Mizuti!

Mizuti: HEAVEN'S PILLAR! (thud) PROMINENCE! (woosh) SORCERER'S BRE-

Me: NOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

The immensely sweet Zoot of Anthrax castle would be Melodia. Her twin Dingo, is Malpercio.

Xelha: But Malpercio and Melodia look nothing alike!

Kalas: You should see Melodia when she's deprived of her sweets. But they have to look EXACTLY alike. Whatcha gonna do authoress?

(MASSIVE SPOILERS)

* * *

Me: Simple. Clone her ridiculous teal hair at the end of the game.

Sir Lancelot, or Kalas' servant in the Tale of Sir Lancelot, will be Trill. Who volunteered herself. By the way…can you make me a strawberry shortcake? Please? A white cake with strawberries and whipped cream and blue icing? Please?

As the last news for today, in the tales of Sir Lancelot or Kalas, Giacamo.

Is. The. Father of Prince Herbert, or Fee.

Giacamo: I-

Me: Don't even utter a word. NO! Not a word. Uh! Nope. Sh-shu-shush! You are RESPONSIBLE. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Giacamo: That spells respect you dolt.

Me: HUSH! Or I'll tell Kalas!

* * *

That is all the characters have for now. Hopefully I can make faster updates in the future. Sorry to keep you all waiting. See you soon! 


End file.
